How to choose your intimacy level
Relationship maintenance & play
A ten-point scale looks simple until you have to pick a number together. The trick is that the level is not a measure of how adventurous you are; it is a measure of what feels easy tonight.
Play the game nowPick for the tired version of yourself
Choose the level you would still be happy with at the end of a long day, not the one you would pick on holiday. Most couples overshoot on the first evening and then quietly avoid the second.
Levels one to three are about attention and playfulness, four to six about deliberate touch, seven and up about explicitly physical play. Starting low costs you nothing; you can always spin again.
Choose the number together
Both people say a number before anything starts, and you use the lower one. That single rule removes almost all the pressure from the evening, because nobody has to defend a limit halfway through.
It also means a no is cheap. A limit stated in advance never feels like a rejection of the other person.
Move up one step at a time
Progress works best in single steps, with an easy way back down. A level that felt right last month may feel like too much in a stressful week, and that is information, not a setback.
The full ladder is described on intimacy levels, and you can see how the same evening changes shape at each step under ideas for couples.
Scientific insights & sources
This article is based on the work of established relationship and sexuality researchers. Nothing here replaces medical or therapeutic advice.
- Emily Nagoski, Come as You AreOn context, brakes and why low-pressure starting points work better than ambitious ones.
- The Gottman InstituteOn stating preferences in advance as a way to keep requests from feeling like demands.
Relationship & Intimacy Experts
Segs Up Your Life
The editorial team behind Segs Up Your Life. We translate research from relationship therapy and sexology into practical steps for couples, and we build the intimacy wheel that puts them into practice.
Read this article in another language
Keep reading
- How to talk about sex with your partner without it turning into a fight
- Is planned intimacy less romantic? What scheduling really does to desire
- How often do couples really have sex?
- Five-minute rituals that keep couples close
- When one partner wants more than the other
- Why does your libido change over time in a relationship? (And how to get the spark back)
- Men vs. Women: The biggest misconceptions about intimacy and desire
- From routine to excitement: Why playfulness is key for long-term relationships